Regret / Joy

—02.06.2000—

I recently advocated for finding things that make you resonate and hum. For me, as a kid, it was racing cars. From the time I got my first pedal-powered race car at three, I was hooked. It was one of the few things in my life that I’ve had an intense clarity of conviction about. Carving corners strapped to four wheels and a motor was something I thought I could do forever.

My parents, however, were more driven by a fear of my death/interest in preserving my life (not unusual for parents, I imagine) than by a desire to encourage my pursuit of that particular dream. So when I expressed absolute clarity and firm conviction that my life would be much improved by owning a go-kart, I got the hard kabash. But that desire, unfulfilled, sought other outlets. I often drove too fast without the benefit of practice, skill, or a closed course, and crashed or spun every car and motorcycle I’d ever owned. I feel lucky I haven’t killed myself or anyone else. Recently I decided to give my guardian angles a break. Now I bicycle.

After racing cars didn’t pan out, I thought it would be great to design cars. Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, California had an amazing transportation design program. But it was a private school and I didn’t think I’d be able to afford it. I went for a visit but didn’t make an appointment to talk with an advisor to see what might be possible. Lament and regret.

It’s not that my life is so terrible right now. I mean, I do feel noticeably rudderless, but in general things are ok. I just look back and shudder at how little fight I put into following my dreams. It was the same everywhere, with relationships I could have been in, with things I wanted to do. I can barely stand to look back and take in the missed boats and sunken opportunities. How would my life be different today had I been taught to follow my desires, taught that it was ok to pursue, alright to want, that it was possible for them to be fulfilled?

In some ways I was encouraged. My parents paid for special engineering summer camps when I was in high school. And they bought me beautiful books about industrial design when I thought that might be a better fit. I think the kabash of the racing dream just hurt. It was a very sexy, very visceral dream.

Dashed dreams have their own dangers. Dashed dreams, or not being taught to valu our dreams, I fear, is the kind of thing that takes multiple generations to recover from.

“Well now’s your chance!” you say, “Grab your dreams by the reins and charge off into the sunset!” Yes, yes... if I had some dreams that would be a fine idea. I wonder if I’ve simply learned how not to desire, learned to be comfortable with not wanting. No, forget it. Even if it were true, it’s far too pathetic to linger over. I’ll spare you the agony of having to read any more of it.

Is all of that the source of this knot tying itself around my heart? Maybe I should just face the fact that I’m lonely at the moment, that I miss my friends, that miss the city even though I rail against it, that I’m scared that I’ll wash up back in San Francisco after six months, flat broke, not having had accomplished much and still not have a clearer picture of what the future holds for me. Yeah, I think that about covers it.

My friend Alicia, who I’ve known since we were teenagers, sent me, via email, the results of a tarot reading she did for me. She invited me to relax and listen to my intuition. But it’s been so quiet lately. Maybe I’ll be able to hear it when I’m house sitting on Gugh (the island next door). Perhaps I’ll be able to hear it when this house is no longer drowning in Phillip’s selections of opera and experimental jazz.

Oh timid, quiet self, where are you? Hidden back in the farthest reaches, tucked away into twisted concavities? Come out, come out, show your face again. Don’t be afraid, there’s a brave new world dawning... oh... I see. Well that is a problem isn’t it?  Yes, I see.

—02.06.2023—

Have you had these experiences, dear reader? I feel for you. I imagine that we’ve all struggled like this, that we’ve all stared at life’s compass and felt a loss as to which way to go. To my younger self and to you, if you’re willing, I offer this...

Firstly, I forgive myself for my perceived missteps. I say “perceived” because, from my current vantage point, I do not believe there are any mistakes. We’re all making our way onwards and upwards to meet our desires at our own speed. Every experience is the basis of future learning. We move as we do in our own time.

As far as hearing intuition, in my experience, it can be quite quiet. I’ve found these things helpful:

• finding quiet places to listen to my inner voice, like walking in nature or meditation,

• knowing that my inner voice can be quiet to begin with and, when I hear it, or have an inner sense of something, or niggle of a feeling, I listen,

• paying attention to joy and viewing it as a compass needle,

• doing automatic writing, which is the act of writing from the unconscious. I do it by asking my subconscious a question and then writing the answer without thinking about it, without thought, bypassing my mind entirely. In this way I view the words as coming from a deeper place within me. It’s a practice I’ve found illuminating.

I also release blame and judgement and forgive others for any perceived lack or missteps, for the same reasons I offered above. I believe I chose this life pre-incarnatively, including my parents and my family. I believe we’ve all offered to play roles for each other in order that we may grow.

These beliefs offer me both a sense of agency and purpose. If I chose all of this, then there is indeed no one to blame, and there is a reason for it all. Furthermore, they illuminate my self responsibility. I’m responsible for my own development. For if not me, who?

As far as my younger self lamenting my lack of “fight”—I’d now call this “fire”—I still struggle with it. I experience myself as quite “airy” (lost in thought) and “watery” (easily moved emotionally). And with all of this metaphorical air and water, I experience “fire” (will, drive, ability to manifest and act) as a difficult thing to build and maintain. One thing that I find useful is a structure within which to build this metaphorical fire. For me this translates into capturing ideas, thoughts, and to dos in Trello (an online organizational and productivity tool) and structuring time for planning and action in my calendar. It may sound simple but to me it feels life changing.

These days I do have a sense of direction. I feel that if I can offer something to the world through my writing, offer a way of seeing, of being, of growing, I could again go on forever. And if I’m able to manifest something related to my joy around cars, travel, and culture, that would be a lovely as well.

I wish you lots of love and joy on your journey. Happy navigating! :)